School Wars: A New Hope
by Nike Shizu
Summary: A demented parody Star Wars. Please r+r and don't be too mean
1. Default Chapter

A long time ago, in a private school, far. far. away..  
  
School Wars: A New Hope  
  
1st of all: Disclaimer. I do not own Star Wars; George Lucas does. I do not own Sailor Moon; Naoko Takeuchi does. In fact, just to be on the safe side, I don't own anything or anybody, and any other allusions in this don't belong to me either.  
  
2nd of all: Here's some background info, because this is my very first ever Fanfic:  
  
Our wily, clever, and mostly friendless heroine, Anna, is trapped in 7th grade at a tyrannic middle school, St. Ignatius XXIV, that is governed by an evil, dictatorial hierarchy of teachers who long to stomp out every last spark of joy and happiness in the far reaches of the galaxy, I mean school. And so our story begins.  
  
Anna stared at the swirling white words scratched on the chalkboard and felt bile rise in the back of her throat. The wave of nausea that washed over her wasn't because the surprise ten-page report on this Pope Ignatius guy, whoever he was, that was due tomorrow would earn her a big fat "E" and destroy any and all hopes she had of pulling a C on her next report card, but because the she would have to write the report with a partner. Quickly counting heads, Anna gritted her teeth when she saw that there was an odd number of students in the classroom, all identical in their navy blue St. Ignatius uniform sweatshirts. Three guesses as to who would have no partner.  
  
"Who wants to be Anna's partner?" roared Ms. Debeau from behind her, "That's right, we have a partnerless student over here! Any takers!" Anna glared venomously back at all the eyes that were suddenly rolling toward her.  
  
Of course that Monday morning was rainy, so the students were confined to their classrooms for recess. She pretended to sit at her desk and study for a few seconds before Ms. Debeau took a romance novel from her desk and ambled out of the room toward the teacher's lounge; she wouldn't be back for a long time. Then Anna jumped up and leaned casually against the open door, looking left and right to assure herself that no Hall Sentries were in sight. Of course, it didn't matter, because Anna was skillful enough to sneak around even when the teachers were in the hall. That was Anna: con artist, masquerader, and over all sneaky person. That was when it happened..  
  
Two girls from the other class, Anna didn't know either of them, suddenly slammed into her and dragged her into the bathroom.  
  
"Hey! Lemme go!" yelled Anna, trying to break free, but the tall, skinny girl on the left had pinned her up against a stall door. In the bathroom there was already a mob of girls who had escaped from their classrooms with illegal hall passes, eating, drinking, tap-dancing, swinging back and forth from the stalls. normal bathroom stuff. Anna then turned and faced the other girl who had shanghaied her: the one wearing a funky brown hood on her head.  
  
"You're Anna Danser, right?" said Hood-girl.  
  
"That's me!" said Anna, then she bit her tongue, wishing that she'd made up a code name or something. After all, this weird pair could very well be bounty hunters. There were WANTED posters hung up all over the school offering a homework pass for the capture of the elusive Anna Danser. Mr. Nomax, the diabolical computer guy, had an especially large price on Anna's head: a life-long immunity to detention for whatever obsequious scum bag turned her in.  
  
"Spit it out," Anna said, folding her arms menacingly, "What do you want?"  
  
"I," said Hood-girl, "Am Mae Chun-Chan, and this is my apprentice, Abby Schindler."  
  
" I want to be a stunt rollerblader," Abby announced, "Like my father."  
  
"Your dad was a stunt rollerblader?" Anna was impressed.  
  
"Yeah." Then Abby pulled a deranged face and said in a New Yorkern accent, "He's also a foiah-foightah at the foiah staition!" Anna grinned. She was already liking this weird apprentice of Mae's.  
  
"Well," Mae said, getting right down to business, "I'll be frank with you. The two of us need to make our way through the hallway down the the library. during lunch."  
  
"During lunch?" Anna laughed, "Are you crazy? Nobody can get all the way down to the library during lunch with all those teachers lurking the halls." Then Anna realized what Mae was getting at, ".except me."  
  
"Right-o," said Mae, "We need you to guide us. The entire 7th grade knows you're the best at sneaky stuff." She made for the door.  
  
"Hold on a second." Anna threw herself in front of Mae's path, "My services ain't cheap. What'll you give me for getting you down there safely?"  
  
Mae thought for a moment. "I'll give you a pudding cup from my lunch," she offered.  
  
"Chocolate or vanilla?"  
  
"Tapioca."  
  
"You've got yourself a deal!" Anna enthusiastically shook Mae Chun- Chan's hand. "Meet me here at lunchtime." And she left. Come lunchtime Anna was sitting cross-legged on a toilet and showing to Abby and Mae a crude floorplan of St. Ignatius' hallways. The "Destination: Library" was marked with a star, and right next to that was a big black scowly-face. "Whose room is that?" Abby pointed to the ominous face.  
  
"That," said Anna gravely, "Is the room of THE most nasty, unfair, and evil teacher in the entire school. the Computer Guy!" Abby and Mae stared. "You know," said Anna, waving her hands, "Mr. Nomax."  
  
"Oh, him!" Mae exclaimed, "Yeah, he's a grouch! He gave me a detention for sneezing once."  
  
"Anyway," Anna said, rolling up the floor plan and stuffing it in an unused heating vent, "We'd better get going. Remember what I told you. Keep to the sides of the halls, walk slow, and keep your heads down. And whatever you do, do NOT lose your hall passes. It cost me an arm and a leg to get those things, and they're very valuable." So together they crept through the halls, clutching the precious scraps of paper, when Mrs. Hopps, the cranky, lemon-faced teacher rounded a corner and plowed across the hall directly toward the three.  
  
"Here comes Mrs. Hopps," Anna whispered, "She's a sucker for a friendly student. Why, HELLO, Mrs. Hopps!" Anna pasted on her best phony grin, and Abby and Mae gasped when they saw Mrs. Hopps actually. smile and say pleasantly,  
  
"Hello, girls!"  
  
That incident safely avoided, the group then ran into Mr. Wieverborn, the psycho science teacher with a big fuzzy moustache on his face.  
  
"Hey, Mr. Wieverborn!" Anna called, waving her arms in the air, "What do you mean when you say that you can't walk into a wall?" Mr. Wieverborn sighed.  
  
"Anna, you've been bugging me about this since the beginning of the year! For the last time. IT IS SCIENTIFICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO WALK INTO A WALL!"  
  
"No! It's not!" Anna insisted, "Watch! I'll walk into a wall right now!" She did so. "See? See?"  
  
"Say," Mr. Wieverborn said, fingering his moustache suspiciously, "Shouldn't you be in lunch right now?"  
  
"And what about bumblebees?!"  
  
"Ack!" he yelled, running away, "Goodbye, Anna!"  
  
But as soon as Mr. Wieverborn left, Ms. Gorspreicht appeared. Anna felt her blood run cold, realizing that she didn't know how to repel this one teacher. Ms. Gorspreicht caught Anna's eye and frowned, then walked quickly toward the three with an unpleasant scowl on her face. Could this be the end? Anna wondered, her heart racing wildly, Were her illegal school-wide excursions about to meet their untimely demise???... The horror! The horror!!!....  
  
That's the end of chapter 1, folks. I know the similarity to Star Wars isn't that obvious, but it gets better as the story goes on, I promise!. Please review, and tell me if you love it, hate it, or think I should die slowly in a fiery explosion. *^_^* -Nike Shizu 


	2. Chapter 2: We of the Anime

Yay! People read chapter 1! Thank you SOOO much for any and all reviews, real and imaginary, so here you go: Chapter 2. By the way, Disclaimer: Same as Chapter 1. So here we go.  
  
Suddenly, "Do you like CHICKEN?!" Abby was grinning at Ms. Gorspreicht like a mad baboon. Ms. Gorspreicht made a face that said, "I should have become a lawyer like my parents said." and yelled,  
  
"Go away!" She shielded her face and hurried past the three. Anna and Mae cheered, but shut up in a hurry when they saw the ominous silhouette of Ms. Books darken the milk carton windows at the end of the hall. Everybody knew there was no way to deter Ms. Books, the Omnipotent Squelcher of All Things Fun and Joyous in St. Ignatius XXIV, and Mae's face went pale under her freckles as she cried, "We're doomed!"  
  
"Not yet we aren't!" Anna said, "This way!" She grabbed them both and pulled them into Mrs. Fudrick's religious icon-bedecked room just as the snorting Ms. Books plowed over the hall tiles the had previously stood on. "Mrs. Fudrick!" she panted when the religion teacher saw them, "Could we borrow some rubber bands?"  
  
"Sure!" Mrs. Fudrick said as she began to rummage good-naturedly through her desk.  
  
"This room is a great place to load up on ammo," Anna confided to Mae and Abby, and she gladly accepted the handful of springy rubber bands offered her.  
  
"Hey, could we borrow two rulers?" Abby suddenly asked out of the blue. Mrs. Fudrick gave them a weird look, but gave the rulers anyway. "I don't think I'll even ask why you need them," she said as the three girls thanked her and dashed off.  
  
"Rulers?" Anna asked as soon as they were a safe distance away, "What do you need with rulers?"  
  
"Rulers," said Mae in a respectful tone, "Are the traditional weapon of We of the Anime."  
  
"Anime?" Anna said incredulously, "You mean those weird Japanese cartoons where people have perfect legs and hair and soupy eyes like sick cats?"  
  
"Yup!" said Abby, "And for your information, it's more than a way of drawing now; it's a cult!"  
  
"Ch!" said Anna, "And you joined it?" Abby didn't seem to her to be the artsy, cultural type.  
  
"Well, yeah," Abby admitted, "But it was her idea!" She pointed an accusing finger at Mae, "I can get out of it as soon as we- URGH!" Mae hurriedly shoved her elbow into Abby's stomach.  
  
"Do what?" Anna asked nosily.  
  
"Priveliged information," said Mae shortly, "Sorry."  
  
"Priveliged!" Anna yelled, quite forgetting that she was be focusing on being a stealthy hallway-sneaker, "I'm a very priveliged person! What is it?"  
  
"It's a secret," said Abby with an infuriating grin, "YOU wouldn't understand it! I'll tell you when you're older!" Anna grinded her teeth together, then said,  
  
"By golly, if you don't tell me what I'm risking my neck guiding you down to the library for then I'm turning back right now!" Mae's eyes widened and she pursed her lips unhappily, then, looking both ways to make sure nobody was watching, she grabbed Anna and Abby and hauled them into a room and slammed the door shut.  
  
"This," she said in a mystical-sounding voice, "Is the secretest haven of We of the Anime."  
  
"The janitor's closet?" said Anna, who had been shoved into a dirty mop.  
  
"Shut up!" Mae snapped, "Now, if you tell anyone you're dead meat! We will hunt you down and rip you up into tiny little pieces if you breathe a word of this to anyone else." She glanced at Abby, then handed Anna a scrap of paper and commanded her to read. Anna opened the paper and, surely enough, it displayed an elegantly-shadowed picture of a perfect- legged, soupy-eyed, extremely buxom female on it. She was saying,  
  
"I, your Queen, Eclipse Moon, am being held captive in the computer lab. You must rescue me and save my people, We of the Anime. Help me, Serena. You are my only hope."  
  
"Who's Serena?" Anna asked.  
  
"I'm Serena!" said Mae, "Abby's Mina. You can be. Rei."  
  
"Okay, whatever. Let's go." They snuck out of the closet and headed for the stairs. "Rei," Anna muttered to herself, "Huh!"  
  
THE END of Chapter 2! And now I must study for my dreaded History Exams. Final Chapter soon to come!!! -Nike Shizu 


	3. Chapter 3: The Dramatic Finale

I'm back, and at last here is the dramatic finale of my Star Wars epic! (Heehee.)  
  
Disclaimer: Same old, same old, I own neither Star Wars nor Sailor Moon, yada yada.  
  
Mae pushed open the double doors and was about to put her foot on the first step when Anna threw her arms in the air and yelled, "NO!" Startled, Mae drew her foot back.  
  
"What?"  
  
"I've learned by hard and painful experience that these stairs are booby-trapped. One wrong move and this place'll be crawling with more teachers than Detention Hall on a Monday afternoon."  
  
"So, how do we get down?" Mae started twisting her long hair nervously, obviously beginning to panic.  
  
"Watch me!" Anna jumped up onto the side banister, sat down, and slid expertly to the bottom of the stairs. Mae and Abby did the same. "This is where the going gets rough," Anna whispered, "The bottom of the South Stairwell is a premium hiding place for snoops like-"  
  
"Aha!" Anna was abruptly cut off when Andy Tyler, the school's most feared 7th grade bounty hunter, leaped out at them from behind a door. Everybody screamed, and Mae stumbled backward so that her heel brushed the last step. Anna covered her ears and hauled Abby behind a door as red lights flashed and a siren blared. Within seconds one of the school's nastiest faculty-persons, The Demonic Secretary, came running click, click, click in her high-heeled shoes. She seized Mae by the shoulder and dragged her away after saying patronizingly, "Good job, Andy. Here's a homework pass."  
  
"Actually-" Andy began, but Anna leaped valiantly from behind the door and launched her handful of rubber bands at his head. "Die, you Benedict Arnold!" she yelled, "Diiiiiiieeeee!!!" And then her hands were empty. "Uh-oh."  
  
Suddenly Abby rushed forward, knocked Andy down, and leveled her razor-sharp metric ruler at his nose. "Aaaagh!" sniveled Andy, "I'm sorry, you guys! I didn't mean to get Mae in trouble! It's just, I'm failing in English and-"  
  
"Bravo, Abby!" Anna cheered, "I congratulate you!"  
  
"Please don't kill me!" Andy whined.  
  
"It's too late for that," Abby said, and she was just about to whack Andy upside the head with her weapon when Anna grabbed her arm.  
  
"Just a second," she said, a bold and daring plan forming in her head, "Andy, stand up. We'll let you go free on one condition."  
  
"Anything!" Andy said gratefully, "I swear, I'll do anything for you guys, even if it gets me detention, suspended, expelled even. I don't care, just tell me and I'll do it."  
  
"Great!" Anna said, "Give me your tie and jacket."  
  
"What?!" he shrieked, "I'll get an out of uniform slip!"  
  
"She said give 'em!" Abby yelled.  
  
"Aagh! Okay, okay!" Andy pulled off his tie and jacket and threw them at Anna's feet. Then he was away like a rabbit.  
  
"How's this supposed to help us rescue the Queen?" Abby asked.  
  
"Like this." Anna looped Andy's tie around her neck and put on his jacket. "See? I'm Andy, I've captured you sneaking around, so I'm taking you in to justice. It's fool proof!"  
  
"Uh-huh," said Abby, who didn't have a better idea, "Sure, why not? Let's go."  
  
"Hi, Mrs. Brusher," Anna said, trying to make her voice nasal and snivelly like Andy's, "I'm Andy, and I've caught a miscreant running in the halls."  
  
"I'm the miscreant," said Abby, waving at the stringy old librarian, "And she's Andy."  
  
"Did I mention that I'm Andy?" Anna said as she dragged Abby into the young adult section of the library where they had a perfect view of the Queen Eclipse Moon who was actually a girl Anna recognized named Val, and Mae as they sat imprisoned in the Computer Lab. Computer Guy, a hulking, scowling, mean-looking ex-Marine who was probably wanted for mass-homicide in a couple of states, stalked out of the room, and once he was safely away Anna and Abby scurried in.  
  
"Andy!" yelled Val in her most queenly tone of voice, "You brought him to rescue me? Begone, O snitchy one!"  
  
"I'm not Andy!" said Anna, throwing off her ingenious disguise, "I'm Anna!"  
  
"I don't know you." Val turned away.  
  
"Sure you do! Anna Danser! We sit across from you in third period Spanish!" Abby elbowed Anna who slumped over and growled sulkily, "I am Rei, Sailor Mars, and I fight for the power of love and justice."  
  
"Oh!" said Val, turning back around, "In that case I guess I'll come with you!"  
  
"Hooray!" Anna took Val and Mae by their wrists to pull them out of the Computer Lab, which was definitely giving her very bad vibes, but Mae desisted. "I can't come," she said.  
  
"What?" exclaimed Abby, "You hafta come! I'm not going back up without you!" Mae shook her head.  
  
"If I did I would only endanger you all. The evil Computer Guy will track me down, and when he does he will find out that I am the Key to We of the Anime."  
  
"Who cares about Computer Guy?" Abby yelled, "I'm not going to let him beat us like this!"  
  
"Yeah!" Anna added, "Anyway, Computer Guy's stupid!"  
  
"WHHATTT?" blared a voice from directly behind her, and Anna whirled around to find herself face to face with the looming, monstrous, purple- faced COMPUTER GUY!  
  
"Not again!" she yelled stupidly, and Computer Guy roared at her,  
  
"You've got detention until you graduate, Danser!" Then he turned to Abby and Val. "And you two are out during lunch without permission! Hahahaha, there is no escape! You are all doomed to eternal detention, and now that I have the Key to you Anime freaks, your pitiful cult will not survive!"  
  
"Nooooo!" Abby cried.  
  
"You really like Anime that much?" Anna was surprised.  
  
"Well, not really," said Abby, "I was just thinking of all the afternoon skate parks I'll be missing out on." Then she turned to Computer Guy and said, "I'll have you know, you will never get away with this! My father's a volunteer fire fighter and he'll beat you up in a deserted parking lot somewhere!"  
  
"Oh no he won't," said Computer Guy evilly, "Abby. I am your father!"  
  
"Really?" said Abby, making a face, "Oh, gross!"  
  
"Well, no," Computer Guy admitted, "But let's just pretend that I am for the dramatic effect."  
  
"Oh, sure," Abby said, then she pulled a long face and cried, "No! No! It can't be true! Nooooo!"  
  
"The hall passes!" Anna suddenly remembered, and she pulled them out from her pocket. "Comput- er, Mr. Nomax, we have hall passes, so there's nothing you can do to us!" Computer Guy snatched the hall passes and scrutinously examined them  
  
"Run, Mina, run!" Mae called telepathically to Abby.  
  
"Not without you!" Abby cried, but Anna and Val hauled her away.  
  
"Anna Danser," Val whispered, "For braveness and nobility in the face of danger, I hereby name you Sailor Mars."  
  
"Oh, joy!" Anna muttered.  
  
"Hey!" Computer Guy realized, "These are counterfeit!!!" But the Three of the Anime were long gone.  
  
And that's the end of my first ever fan fic. I know, pretty bizarre, but what can I say? I've got a lot of free time on my hands. Well, thank you everybody for reading so far, and I promise (!) to write some more after my evil exams are over. Bye! -Nike Shizu ^_^ 


End file.
